tinyPterodactyl

In the middle of one of those fall-shaped vortices of nostalgia, which is its own kind of blankness or ability to grasp whatever my real is like right now. I swear late October/early November must have been ... something to me in the past, because this recurrence is maddening. I want the insight-key to unlock this pattern. Anyway. I deep-dove into old blogs I used to care enough to bookmark, and found a veritable graveyard. I find that I want to move so far away from the faceb**k & twi**er-verses but also that I need some sort of way to connect to others, but I've let all of those old muscles and connections wither. (Though, also, to be fair - to beeeee faaaaaaaaaiiiir - the people I like the most aren't on any of those already. They're also more reclusive than anyone else I might want to spend time with, as I generally refuse to be egotistical enough to worry that they're just avoiding me.) I need to reestablish new rhythms, but of course this isn't just about

On the day that I drew the Page of Cups and accidentally pull along with it the Five of Cups and the Seven of Coins, I also read this: https://therumpus.net/2018/07/hannibal-lecter-my-therapist/

I realized something important: For a long time now, I've been really focused on how to best deploy my gifts. Tied with this was an expectation - unspoken, maybe even disallowed at the conscious level - that, if I were appropriately doing this, the impact would be great.  That is, somehow I figured myself destined for great things, and somehow failing if I'm only attaining run-of-the-mill decent-human things. I've also held back from some things that I've wanted to explore because of this (the ADHD prolly doesn't help this).  Jessa Crispin's Tarot Tuesdays often provide fodder for my own reflection, and last night's was no exception. In talking about the First House, and responding specifically to my question (Neptune conjunct ascendant, both in Sag), she mentioned that Neptune in the first can make a person not really be able to see themselves; they'll possibly think that they're truly great, or the absolute worst. (No delusions of mediocrity, appar

This pain that I'm feeling in my chest Isn't an indication of something that needs to be healed And instead of something that needs to break out...       ... to be accepted?       ... to be born?

In a fit of nostalgia, I went past-blog diving; in an abandoned Livejournal, I found a past-year wrapup that mentioned favorite movies watched that year. One of them that was mentioned, I have absolutely no  recall of ever watching. There's just a ... blank spot, not even marginal awareness of what the film might be about. Of course I'm about to look this up, but for the moment, I remain ignorant, and both bewildered and unsurprised that something I apparently found so impactful apparently evaporated in the neural ether. Things I listened to today: Maren Morris, Girl  and Hero  alike Ingrid Andress, Lady Like Luke Dick, Red Dog  first 2 songs ("Polyester" and "Blazer") - finally might get to watch the documentary tonight too! Things I keep re-reading:    Rachel Blau DuPlessis,  "Draft 72: Nanifesto" Today, what strikes me is: "Meditate air threads in angles of light. / Consider the mite, the mote, the mute."

Steven Universe provides a necessary model of revolutionary thought right now. It's love, but not in that passive or accepting or even unifying state - it is powerful and sometimes violent because it knows there is a better way, and it also shuns, if necessary. Not because shunning feels nice, but because sometimes you have to throw out that which makes the future you want possible. And sometimes that future may mean that there's an actual way back to re-incorporating that which has been excommunicated - but it's not a given, and it requires actual, painful, long-term work to learn to re-love. Things I read today:    George Saunders, "Ghoul" Amber Tamblyn, "The Undying Voice of Diane di Prima" Things I keep re-reading:    Rachel Blau DuPlessis, "Draft 72: Nanifesto" I keep coming back, this is a bit of a prayer. Each line has at least some kernel to ponder or muse upon. Today, what strikes me is: "Do not fail sadness."  Things I liste

There is a person in my department who cares not one whit whether anyone else thinks he's nice. This isn't deployed as an excuse to behave assholeishly - rather, it seems like an effort of economization, one where likeability lost out to whatever other three hundred things are more important. I know his partner rather better, and she's a delightful person, so I'm betting that he's got some specifically likeable qualities (I suppose that's a rather generous conjecture - again anecdotally, I know loads of lovely people with awful taste in partners, so... grain of salt, applied!) that don't come across in his quotidian interactions. If there is indeed something different about general likeability versus specific likeability... I think I probably waste too much time on behaviors designed to perpetuate an impression of niceness. I hope that I'm likeable in specific ways, or at least that those people who matter to me also find my continued presence in their