tinyPterodactyl

For these holidays, I've decided (we've decided) to make most of our presents for people. It's a pleasant sort of challenge, since even if I'm making the same *kind* of thing for several people, it lets me think about each specific person's personality, particular situation, potential wants or needs, and try to make accordingly. It's also a way for me to feel generous even in a year when we can't afford a lot monetarily. This first thing I'm sharing probably doesn't really count, since it was for Thanksgiving (sort of), and it's just a lil digital output. But I found a lovely meditation from Philip Moffitt, and wanted to share it with Aaron - but also didn't necessarily think he'd read the whole thing. I'm not big on Thanksgiving as a holiday per se at all, but I've been feeling very desirous and needy of working on my attitude of late, and this was a timely way to share those feelings. So I adapted Moffitt's meditation on ...

I recently sold off most of my knitting supplies; over the years, I'd amassed some needles, some not-small quantity of yarn, some books, all of which sat mostly unused in a big wicker box. In a need to have some extra funds and also a desire to de-clutter, that whole stash went to another knitter. I figured that, since I never became the knitter that I (thought I) wanted to be, I just wouldn't want to knit. Perhaps interestingly, perhaps predictably: since that point, I have found a desire to knit. So, I've bought enough yarn for a few very specific projects, and the needles (nice ones this time, no metal, no acrylic) for them, and I've diligently yet non-manically worked on said projects. I might actually even be getting decent at it, but I'm also not too worried about that. I think I understand what might be at play here. I have this tendency to expect great things, and to get frustrated and/or discouraged when a project requires more than headlong effort. T...

So this is something that more emotionally with-it people have understood for ages, but it's something of a revelation to me: explaining how you're feeling, AS you are feeling, helps. It doesn't exactly ensure that you are heard, but it at least creates the opportunity that you might be. It doesn't always solve every issue as you perceive them, but it might make them less important, or provide a new perspective. Sometimes, it lets the worries that you were having just... float away. It's going to take a lot of practice for me to shed my tendency towards the silent and/or wry reception of things (things that I don't like, and also, too often, things that I do like), but I like how it feels to be open, to be honest. I feel lighter, and that, as this thing on my arm continuously reminds me, is one of those lessons that life is determined to teach me over and again. ( erleichda is the semi-created term [bastardized German, in a good way] by Tom Robbins, from ...

A week and a day ago, my grandmother, Vera, had a stroke. Every time I try to find the words to describe this woman, I fail. Aside from my mother, she is the most important individual influence in my life; from her, at the very least, I know that I have gotten many of my ideas about pride and about work, and from reflecting on the relationship between my her and my mother, I've developed most of my ideas about the necessity of forgiveness, and about the failures that are an intrinsic part of parenting. Most of all, from her I learned about strength, and strong is also the primary single adjective that I come to when thinking of her. She raised her daughter as a single parent in a day when this was hardly done. She provided for that daughter, and for that daughter's daughter, too, by dedicating herself to her work. She survived two bouts of cancer, and did so without - at least as far as I ever knew - feeling sorry for herself. She learned to dance after her first retiremen...

For almost 11 weeks, we thought we were going to be parents a second time around. (Or rather, we knew about the pregnancy for about 8 of these weeks - gotta be accurate, right?) I still don't know how to talk about this, really, but I've found that I'm thinking about this set of experiences all too often, and sometimes the way for me to move past something is to write it out. Maybe that will work here. We'd started doing that almost surreal work of re-imagining our lives with another individual around; just as we'd grown accustomed to our particular threesome, we learned it was to be a foursome - and this news was met with equal parts excitation and bewilderment. At least on my part. As I found myself increasingly giddy with this prospect, I also experienced a new self-doubt - what if this pregnancy were rougher than the last one? What if I wouldn't be as lucky in getting the birth I wanted? What if, what if... these are the musings of a mother-to-be, and I ...

So I'm one of those people who needs an overarching concept, idea, or goal to introduce any semblance of discipline into my life. I spent a lot of my twenties (the late ones, even, not so much the early ones) drinking more than was tasteful (or affordable, even), smoking, eating a lot of chocolate, indulging in all manner of tasty things, and so on. There was certainly an overarching concept at work here: that's delicious, I want more. There was not a lot of examination of how these things were making me feel. Even the pragmatic arguments against these practices fueled my special brand of decadence; when smokes in NY went to nearly $10 a pack for non-rez prices, I justified this as showing particular commitment to my hedonism, budget and lungs be damned. (I'd also like to note here that I'm not griping about any of these practices per se, but rather my relationship to each of them.) Various things over the years have led me to quit drinking (though I'll toast ...

One of the things that we've really struggled with is how to communicate the choices that we are making with Luka in our own home, with his kind and generous, certainly well-meaning, but not necessarily on-board , grandparents/family/etc. This is a particularly tricky situation, and I honestly don't know how to handle it even after a year+ of practice. We try to avoid plastic any/everything in our house, and are firm believers in the 10% toy & 90% kid formula (for more info on that, take a look at this excellent explanation of what this means) for toys. We eat mostly organic food, and we use our small toy budget to select high-quality, safe, and long-lived options. So, we have a collection of wooden blocks (which my husband likes building with at least as much as Mecha-Lukazilla likes to smash those creations down), many things that Luka's technically "too young" for right now that he will grow with and has already found novel ways to play with explore ban...