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I realized something important: For a long time now, I've been really focused on how to best deploy my gifts. Tied with this was an expectation - unspoken, maybe even disallowed at the conscious level - that, if I were appropriately doing this, the impact would be great. That is, somehow I figured myself destined for great things, and somehow failing if I'm only attaining run-of-the-mill decent-human things. I've also held back from some things that I've wanted to explore because of this (the ADHD prolly doesn't help this). 

Jessa Crispin's Tarot Tuesdays often provide fodder for my own reflection, and last night's was no exception. In talking about the First House, and responding specifically to my question (Neptune conjunct ascendant, both in Sag), she mentioned that Neptune in the first can make a person not really be able to see themselves; they'll possibly think that they're truly great, or the absolute worst. (No delusions of mediocrity, apparently.) In many ways, I have a good grasp of myself (maybe. Let's indulge the idea.) But I DO think that my expectations of myself have been... ill-fitting. I'm wondering if this is a Neptune-in-the-First-House kinda fuzziness. I don't have delusions of grandeur, but maybe I've had grand-meaning-expectations. I almost always have the desire and self-expectation to do more ... I'm wondering what it might be like to be ok with what I'm able to offer in the moment, without always striving past that.

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